Jealous Of My Life?


Before I delve too deeply into why you’re jealous of my life, I feel it’s important to understand why I have developed this website in the first place. I began blogging in the summer of 2006 after repeated proddings by a friend and I have thoroughly enjoyed the experience, making friends from all over the world, even meeting my current girlfriend through a mutual blogging website. What’s the point, you may ask? Well shut the hell up and let me speak for a moment. Jesus, you’re rude.

After the infamous Journal Space crash of '08, I found myself attempting to find a new place to write after so many members of the community went their separate ways. I bounced to several different locations before deciding to venture out on my own and set up a permanent home here as the Pantsless Ponderer. This is my attempt as a comedy writer, and if I fail that's fine (as long as you tell as many of your friends about this failure as possible. And their friends, too). :)

Special Thanks took more hours than I could count to begin to look like an actual website, mostly because I have the HTML skills of a second grader. Despite the challenge of my being challenged, all who grace this page should know it was built with heavy dosages of pragmatism and masturbation, and wouldn’t be possible without my amazing girlfriend who played critical roles in both arenas.

A special thanks is also in order to Amanda, webmaster of Blogger Buster and queen of website development, for bringing my HTML skills up to a second grade level.

At Long Last: Why You’re Jealous Of My Life

  • Born and raised in Michigan.
  • In second grade my parents were summoned to a parent-teacher conference at my Catholic elementary school due to me repeatedly telling my classmates my parents were trying to poison my school lunches but I managed to stay one step ahead.
  • Since blogging I was a step away from being cast on the worst reality television show in American history, “The Great American Dream Vote” hosted by Donny Osmond, and almost made an appearance on Oprah Winfrey’s show with my girlfriend. We were bumped by some guy named Joe Biden.
  • One of my life-long goals is to punch this man in the face for telling me to f*** off as a child.
  • I drive a Toyota Echo (Echo) and when I repeat the name of my car, every girl in the area mysteriously becomes pregnant.
  • I hold the distinguished title of being the only student in my school’s history to be kicked out of an 8th grade Catholic league basketball game (it was a foul of passion).
  • As a junior in high school I was cited a demerit for “excessively masturbating during class.” It turns out my friend had stolen demerit slips and left one on my desk. You didn’t think I was actually cited for that, do you? I had enough class to excuse myself to the bathroom, sheesh.
Impressed with my life? Wish yours was as great as mine? Wish you could tell me just how great I have it? Bang it out here.